a person craves for a kind of love that only she can provide, because it is she who set up the perfection of love in her mind.
no one would ever understand. no one would ever love her the way she wants.
so at the end, she is alone.
awaiting for nothing.
that’s not the most aching part. the part that she knows she is waiting for no one, that she knows she can only love but not be loved in a way she dreams of, is the worst part.
she knows she is loved, but not in a way she craves for. and the anxiety for this certain kind of love makes her blame herself, because she has always been a lucky kid. and the more she blames herself, the more she wants that certain love to rescue her.
and there is no one to rescue. and she knows.
那麼的一刻我想，我對待傷感的方法是否出錯了。
先假設panic attack是某程度上的心理病。那其實我也早就懷疑過自己有心理病。雖然我也知道「心理上的病症」這樣太科學。
也可能是我不能接受心理可是個弱點，心理會壞這說法。
總之我從某日才驚覺，我沒有為自己的事哭了的能力。嗯這樣說還是不對。就是我很自然地抗拒「為自己的事哭」發生。有哭的衝動時，要躲進浴室蹲起來，讓那幾行淚流出來，深深呼吸，不許發出聲音。
又或許，是我面對人和面對自己之時，反差太大。因為我總是安慰人的那個，因為我是一笑置之、我是和藹可親、我是樂觀隨便那個女孩子。也因為我是消極悲觀、想太多哀愁太多的一個人。
那個面對別人總在嬉笑怒罵的人，怎會像躲在這兒寫日記的人。
panic attack前的一刻感覺，我緊記下了。心呯呯跳、抽搐、空洞的疼。閉起氣。事實是，這種感覺每次我躲起忍著淚水時都會經歷，而我會習慣地深吸氣，冷靜自己。或者我大概預知到，不控制自己會有怎樣的後果。
問題是，我可以怎樣。
我沒膽說給人聽，亦不能拋開別人看到的自己。我怕別人煩厭，我怕別人避開我。我會被人討厭吧，就如我因此而討厭自己般？
不想接受這個為微少之事而發瘋的自己。身邊的人遇到過更多更差的際遇，也未倒下來。而我呢？
真沒用真脆弱。
我不想背著「病人」這名字。
==
讀了一篇小說。檞寄生。
看了話劇。淚水成河。
a boy that i care a lot. a boy that i think i would love. but nothing happened.
fate. destiny. timing. whenever i think about it, i become so pissed off at what fate does. even if we live in every moment, cherish all bits and pieces, we still miss out something.
if it wasn’t that guy, i probably would’ve developed something with this boy. but that guy “happened”, and so i remain as a good friend with the boy.
that night the boy came up to me, with redden face and a bottle of beer in hand. he said “so you’re leaving soon.” and i just nodded. there weren’t many words exchanged in our conversations yet it was like we communicated through staring at each other’s eyes. and we both gave a bittersweet grin. and he sang,
愛上了 看見你 如何不懂謙卑 去講心中理想
不會俗氣 猶如看得見晨曦 才能歡天喜地
抱著你 我每次 回來多少驚喜 也許一生太短
陪著你 情感有若行李 仍然沉重待我整理
天氣不似如期 但要走 總要飛
道別不可再等你 不管有沒有機
給我體貼入微 但你手 如明日便要遠離
願你可以 留下共我曾愉快的憶記
當世事再沒完美 可遠在歲月如歌中找你
i sang along. i like his singing, i always have. when he sang this song, the memories of me requesting songs from him popped up, and all those calls… and stares…
i know i don’t love him. i know it’s nothing like that. but i also know that we could’ve been like that.
somehow i’ve been drowning in this emotion resulting from the fact that i know there’s a high possibility of me not seeing him again anymore after graduation. and of course how this leads me to knowing all these more than 100 of people i know in university, are just people who have existed in the 3 years of my life.
after graduation, everyone is a stranger.
